Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
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Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
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Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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