I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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