My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
