well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
