i already hear my dad disowning me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We are all done wearing pants today
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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