I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
