3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
