Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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