Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
