I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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