I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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