Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
