i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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