Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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