Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
