i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
