Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
