i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
