Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Houston, we have a blender
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Randomize
