someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
