My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
