plz talk dirty to me
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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