1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The feeling are messing with the penis
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
