apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
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I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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