So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
