3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
