4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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