Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
