The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
