If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my shit smells like andre
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
