Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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