All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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