had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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