I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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