don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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