shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
