Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
