my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
