I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
