Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
