Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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