I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
