Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
