My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
