There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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