Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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