mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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