I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
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I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
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drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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