im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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