you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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