We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
