I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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