The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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