he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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