apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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