I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
